7 May 1982
21 years old
Watched “Stuart Wagstaff’s Playhouse” for once: “The Potting Shed” by Graham Greene. It was absolutely brilliant! Such a superb play, so thought out, so much to say. The opposite of Hollywood’s mildly entertaining trash which lets the mind sleep. It was thought provoking, entertaining, stimulating and even inspiring. There is so much room for brilliance, Greene excelled as a writer and I may as an artist (or writer). People can achieve so much. I hope I am able to. I hope I am able to move people as others have moved me.
It also made me think of God and how human brilliance is a testimony to his existence. We are created in his image. Without that, as animals, such artistry could not exist. “Love” is also “proof” of God’s existence. It is too arbitrary and strange to comply with biological laws.
This led me to thinking about SC again: he’s not right for me at all. He isn’t moved, he isn’t as emotional and as intense as I am. I think the right person for me must be someone whose emotional level matches mine, only then will I be satisfied. Someone who is moved to tears by music or certain paintings. I am idealistic in love and in art. I must transcend normality and produce and express my intensities of feeling to exorcise my strong “extra” emotions…But perhaps I need someone who’ll be inspiring, but will have a calming effect on me, who’ll help me control my often chaotic emotions. So hard to know, so terribly hard to find.